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I’ve been grappling with the idea of mother hood since I’ve given birth.
“Am I doing this right?” “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”
I’ve been basically in denial as a parent that I am in fact a parent.
Not today tho.
Not just because its Mother’s day but because last night was his first night away from me and I couldn’t even breathe.
2 days before I basically had a friend try to convince me to give him up for adoption & I seriously considered it. Mostly because it was my original plan, but no one in my family supported it but my older sister and she wanted him. I just felt shitty mostly because its what I want to do. I don’t wanna be a mother. But I didn’t think it was fair to this baby that he was gonna be given away like a toy.
One of the reasons I wanted to do adoption was because of his dad. Why would I bring a child into a world where his father won’t acknowledge him & his mother basically doesn’t want him? Not him personally, but a child.
All that changed last night. It was like something clicked and when I picked him up at 7am I felt like life was right again. I never want to not have him in my life now. I can’t imagine doing anything with out him being there. All because for 10 hours he wasn’t by my side.
I don’t know man its just… When I’m not there to hear his cries, or hold him so he can fall asleep, I get anxious. Like anxiety sets in that he’s hysterical cuz I’m not there. And when that happens I’m lighting fires under peoples asses to get back to him.
I’m just now realizing that its natural for me to feel like I’ve had enough.
And I need to realize that doesn’t make me a bad mom nor does it mean I don’t love him.
Happy Mother’s Day to the mom’s who don’t want to be mothers but wouldn’t trade it for the world…
Jayy’s mind during sex;
“Why do penis’ look like that? They look deformed. If I came across a deformed penis how would I know the difference?”
“UGH, you wanna hurry it up buddy? I wanna feel the magic too.”
“No you are not my daddy, that would be impossible because I’m pretty sure you couldn’t have impregnated my mom at age one.”
“You know what I’m gon do? I’m gon’ call _____ after this. Maybe his dirty talk will get me off cuz this sure ain’t.”
“My nails aren’t clean. Is he gonna think I’m not clean cuz my nails aren’t clean? Lemme turn these lights off…”
“I’m gonna call ____ after this. I wonder if she’s up. She gon’ laugh when I tell her this nigga tried to fit my foot in his mouth. LOL”
“This nigga is really trying to put my foot in his MOUTH! That ain’t even freaky, that’s just dangerous.”
“I’m hungry. Maybe I can send him to McDonald’s after this. I want a big mac.”
“BIG MAC, FILET O’FISH, QUARTER POUNDER, FRENCH FRIES, SUNDAES, AND APPLE PIES, YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY AT MCDONALDS!”
“Omg what is that? OMG! WHAT IS THAT?!”
“I think I’m about to come. OMGOODNESS I’m ABOUT TO COME. OMG, RIGHT AFTER THIS: ‘dear Tumblr, today was a good day. - april 27th 2012 I became a woman.’”
“-______- Maybe next time Tumblr.”
“I wanna get off tooooooo!!!!”
“Why would I be tired? Have you had sex with yourself? You’d be wide awake too bro…”
“This is some bullshit.”
“I HOPE HE DON’T THINK HE STAYING THE NIGHT?!”
“THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.”
This always happens to me.
Well not always because I meet 2 outta ten nice guys, but for those 2 this always happens to me!
I meet him, he’s amazing. Pays for everything, polite, actually wants to be with me, and is ready for a relationship. Everything I want in a guy and sometimes more. Then I find some reason to make myself not want that ultimately ending up alone at the end of it all.
This time? Sex.
I haven’t had it in a while. Or at least I haven’t had non-pregnant sex in a while. Lol…
This new guy, I see it you know? And like I see it more when he shows me how more amazing he gets by the second. Its just when we talk about it he seems different.
Like you know if you’re in a room with a bunch of black people and you wanna make a joke but its borderline racists, yet you say “fuck it”, make the joke anyway and there’s a whole shift in the rooms demeanor? Yeah. Sex is the awkward racist joke and he’s the uncomfortable patron in the room.
He just looks nervous if I mention it. Like he looks uncomfortable. I brought it up out of relation to the conversation we were having and you would’ve thought I had just asked him his penis size over the PA system or something. He literally becomes the most nervous person I’ve ever seen.
Which leads me to believe you don’t have stroke. Now like I said its been a while. I don’t want my first experience back in bed looking & feeling sexy, to suck balls. I want that shit to be fire. If you’re gonna be weak sauce or don’t think you can pull out all the stops, lemme know now. Cuz what you don’t know is I will leave your ass if you don’t. Think I won’t?
I used to think sex didn’t make a relationship. Then I had sex. I think I’ve made my point.
When you love sex as much as I do you don’t want it wasted on the weak and undeserving. I want every sexual experience to be mind blowing. Is that so much to ask?
I’m actually a 90-day rule girl now, except mine has been amended to 60 days. Hopefully in that time I see some sort of change or relaxation set in.
In the mean time, since I’m not promised to anyone, I’ll be dipping into my little black book to hold myself over.
Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do…
